15 years to life - Choices (ROUGH d-1)
Sometimes our lives take on new paths, directions and perspectives. These paths are created when our environment changes so dramatically we either adapt for the better or adapt for the worst. The one control we have in life is how we choose to be in any moment and often if we adapt to change, our subconscious will pull for better. That pull forms new directions in the journey of each of our lives. We create new perspectives and self understandings, often without realizing it until we first act on it. There is something so real about waking up one day and realizing you no longer have the ability to settle for the place you once told yourself you belonged. There is something fundamentally beautiful about people, when they accept the subconscious choice for better before the conscious mind can interfere. The following is a truth I came to understand in the years that followed my moms aneurysm, years filled with moments built to break the lives they bestoe themselves upon. Moments created by the world around you and ones you love, moments that can make you… should you not allow them to define and break you.
I dedicate this to my parents, Jennifer and David Walmsley. In honor of the love you share and strength it gave me during our worst moments ❤.
I’m not entirely sure where or how to start my story. When I think back to the moment the world I thought I had, broke in pieces, I see sadness mixed with confusion and anger. You see, if I told myself then, where and what I would be now, my own words I would not fathom. For the narrative I told myself then, the one so deeply ingrained in my mind was drenched in self isolating heartache, loathing and the overwhelming consideration of suicide. I was 21 years old living back in my home town of Orangeville ON, my mom had just suffered an aneurysm which left her at that time unable to recall anything in her life prior…even us, her family. My boyfriend of 2 years and first boyfriend ever was not only cheating on me, but chose to not be there for me, in fact he broke up with me a few months into my moms recovery… over the phone. This betrayal created a sense of worthlessness within me, I still feel and fight today. My family and friends that I needed, either left or judged me for being something less than made them comfortable. It was as though we as a family were aliens to everyone we held dear and surrounded ourselves with. This created another crack in the foundation of what I thought I knew life to be. The way people looked at me, treated my dad, my mom even… the back stabbing chitchats that took all the trust we had in others, began to dissipate to nothing more than “the before”.
Now it pains me to write about these true emotions and paths they created, moments they emploaded and others they exploited. The anger, guilt, confusion, desperation and obsessive need to understand why my mom couldnt remember my name, why everything had to be so different. What I did to make the person I loved hurt me so deeply and what I did that scared so many friends and family away. Was I not worthy of love unless perfect? That is all I was left with, that was my new foundation in life after 2007, the notion of being to my core-unlovable. This false truth spewed all over my young soul, heart and mind. I remember laying in my bed repeating to myself “do not let this break you-do not let them break you” because no matter how much life threw me back to the ground, I knew in my heart my dad could not lose anyone else and I refused to let him feel more pain. In this world, fate is out of your control, but the beauty lay’s in how we react. That is ours to own. This my mother taught me, far before her aneurysm and continually after. She taught that when life throws you a curveball, it is never “Why me” but always “Why Not Me”… what this taught me was, I am the captain of my ship and if I want happiness I must forage the path to it, despite my own pain, and without ego.
I want to share the story my mom told me a few years into her recovery, and after her diagnosis of breast Cancer. We were out for lunch and I was complaining about a recent heartbreak, lack of money and struggling search for meaning after our lives changed. She listened, as she always does and after simply told me this… “Kate, ive never told you this but a few months after I was discharged from Toronto Rehab I found myself sitting on the bottom of our stairs without knowing why or where I was going that got me there. I started to cry, I cried so hard and kept asking Why me? Why me… WHY ME!? Until a voice in my head said, why not you Jennifer? and I realized, why not me? At that moment I realized I had two choices, to either suck my thumb and continue to cry why me OR stand up and accept I can not remember and that this reality is our new normal-whatever that is, and that is mine to own and to make the best of”. I told you my mother is incredible, this story and leadership of tenacity changed my energy to positive and hope, it gave me power to tell myself “why not me”. No matter the reality of my journey and pain throughout it, what I have gone through is nothing compared to if I had lost my mom, that is a fcat I need to state. What I have gone through, is pain caused by outside forces. What I have learned is, these paths leave you with two choices;
- you can be a victim and break or
- you can own it and allow it to recreate your character to a power so fierce, the pain becomes your greatest blessing.
When my mom began recovering she was not the same Jenn Walmsley as everyone knew / needed. You see my mom suffered brain damage after her aneurysm and because of this her demeanor, mannerisms, language, memory and mobility were incredibly altered. My mother was everything from an ECE Teacher, 4 time elected counselor, toy store owner and operator, police board member, library board member, avid volunteer, award winning gardener, highschool sweetheart turned wife and the sort of mom who paid attention to you with genuine love, even when tough. That was no longer our reality, the foundation and glue that was my mother had shattered, and she was not able to help us through losing her, or the events that followed the breakdown of what we once understood to be normal… to be life. But what she did do, with her character that still lived inside of her.. was lead by example. She showed me how to be strong and how to be the kind of human, people feel lucky to have. My mother is my reason, she is why I am strong, fair, kind and tough and she chose to be that woman, that leader, that mother.
You see we all have choices, and everyday is an opportunity to make strong ones, ones defined by character and love- not fear and resentment. Everyday, is your choice on how you want to live, be and feel.
I hope the pain and hardships of life, empower you to live “why not me” and instead of being an excuse, be the example.
-Choices
